I sometimes have the impression that there are only two types of people in this world. The people who believe that everything occurs by chance and those who believe knowing how everything works. Ok, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. However, I feel the frustration at times of wanting to be like one or the other and yet finding my ground in none of them.
Why do some relationships work and others don’t? Some may say because life is this way, others will say because you do not love yourself enough, and to me they have one thing in common, both do not require any intellectual and emotional work.
The answers are given, there is nothing else to do, but either to accept it was by chance or to accept you did not do all that was required (positive thinking and so on). These to me are very comfortable answers and perhaps it would be incredible if I could just decide between one or the other, but I cannot.
My daily experience shows me that even though it is not by chance, it also requires more of my dedication and attention to arrive at answers that may move me forward a little. As I was saying before, with the example of a relationship that did not work: I feel that the answer lies close, almost if I already have it and yet cannot touch it. Why do somethings at work didn’t work out and others did? I have really the interesting feeling that I almost have it, I almost know, and yet…
Let be give a concrete mundane example: I fell love a while back and I had the incredible impression that the person liked me too in that regard, and when I was more clear with him, as expected he said yes. However, after a little while, I realized he didn’t want to be with me. I respect every person’s freedom and so I moved on.
However, when i looked back I saw a pattern. I had something similar with exactly other three people, so I thought, hmm, there is somethings about this that I wanna find out. As I went through the obvious stuff, like being open for it or having some issues with it, I found I was doing pretty good.
People around me gave me their opinions, full of certainty of either: “you were just unlucky” or “You must have some issues about it” However, the more I looked inside me the more I had the feeling that it was not because of any of those reasons, I almost knew why, but it escaped me completely. What a strange feeling of knowing and not knowing.
Very similarly I felt about something at work while sometimes something worked, other simply did not. I almost always knew when something would or would not work. However, I could not pin point why or how I knew it.
I had an intense feeling that I also didn’t want to do the work and looked for the answers only if they came as an intellectual conclusion where I could rest my mind, but I had the impression that the more I walked on the freedom path the less I knew.
Where before I held concrete and satisfying answers, I now swim in vast unspoken, irrational knowledge, that it does not reach me, simply because it doesn’t make sense. Not all knowledge can be seen through reason, but you also lose the incredible security and safety that reason provides.
Self Growth | Ego Dissolution | Lea Autumn | Spirituality
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